Catching up

Where do I start? I quit writing in December.  I had a lot of encouragement to continue writing. Several friends and family were delighted that I was opening myself and willing to share my thoughts and feelings. But all it took was a couple of comments to discourage me. It's interesting how one negative comment , or even a slightly disappointing one, can outweigh all of the positive feedback.  So much for the strength of positive feedback.  I vaguely remember in my college studies something about negative reinforcement being as powerful as positive reinforcement.  Based on this one anecdotal experience, I could venture that negative reinforcement had more impact than positive reinforcement.

Then again, my energy and ability to focus for any period of time also diminished. The entry into the world of giving care to a loved one during cancer treatments was almost paralyzing.  There is no way to sum up the experience in a short paragraph.  I'd like to give it a go anyway. It's depressing, shattering, uplifting, sweet, bitter, angering, confusing, challenging, enriching, encouraging, hopeful, self-absorbing, humbling, gracious, ennobling and so on and on.  It's a world of paradox.  Your world shrinks to a microcosm, while also knowing intuitively that you are experiencing the universal great truths of life and love.

It's a life changing experience. I have been fully aware that I have changed and these changes are for the better.  Yet, I would find it difficult to describe what has changed. I know that my relationship with my mother is sweeter, more intimate, more intense, more honest, and a gift that I will always treasure. The same is true about my relationships with my husband, my siblings, and my children.

I will give thanks to you, O LORD, with my whole heart... I will sing your praise. (Psalm 138) I give you thanks O LORD for the blessings of loving relationships and family members who care for and support one another. Thank you for answering my call for hope and for increasing my strength within me. You have blessed us all and I am profoundly grateful ,O LORD, for your love that endures forever. Amen.

Chemo: Cycle 1, Day 8

Respite and Work Day

Mother is feeling well today.  Her strength has been returning daily.  She decided to return to the common dining room for her lunch and dinner meals.  Her immune system is down, so the danger is the exposure to the coughs and sneezes of those who are not well.   She tried being in her room for meals.  But where’s the fun in that?  People don’t just drop in and visit each other, they wait to be invited.  So, all the social interactions center around the meal times.  I admit that I strongly encouraged Mother to choose caution over community.  But, I’m glad she threw caution to the wind.  This disease is just not worth the sacrifice. Friendships and community are too important.

I did not visit Mother today.  We talked on the phone several times and I kept her up to date with my comings and goings. She kept me up to date with hers.  Roy and I cleared out the Mother’s bedroom at the house, so that we can stop living out of suitcases.  This meant clearing out the clothes and stuff in the dresser drawers and the closet.  I filled 3 bins of clothes for Mother to sort through and 3 black bags to go to Goodwill.  Well, one bag is full of hangers.  But I feel like these are impressive numbers!  Tomorrow, Mother and I will start sorting through the bins and making keep and give away piles.  Roy is painting the closet and touching up the holes and spots on the walls.  This took us all day with more to do tomorrow.  But I am gratified that we accomplished this much.  One room is now ready for the sale, whenever that happens.  This is one less item on our grand to-do list.  Blessed relief.

"Come to me, all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."  . . . . 

Thank you, Lord Jesus, for your companionship and for the strength that you share as we shoulder the responsibilities of this particular journey.  Amen.

Family Work

A dear friend cautioned me that being Mother's companion and caregiver during her chemotherapy would be "difficult physical and spiritual work."  What he forgot to mention was the family work that is part of this journey.

My sister (closest in age to me) and I are referred to as the Generals in our family.  We are the two eldest and only 17 months apart in age. We organize. We create. We lead.  We're partners on family projects.  We planned, shopped, organized her son's wedding reception in three days with a budget of $300.  And, yes, we are bossy . . .  but only in the kindest possible way.  Well, we hope so.  The first time we saw the movie "White Christmas," we immediately identified with the sisters (played by Rosemary Clooney and Vera-Ellen).  I don't know how many times we spontaneously burst out singing and "dancing" to their Sisters, Sisters song.

The lyrics truly described us, especially these lines:

Sisters, sisters
There were never such devoted sisters, . . .
Caring, sharing ...
All kinds of weather, we stick together
The same in the rain and sun
Two different faces, but in tight places
We think and we act as one
Those who've seen us
Know that not a thing could come between us ...

But, we have had our squabbles, especially when we are trying to boss one another. And Lord help anyone who tried to get between us and tried to help us sort things out.  In those instances, we turned as one - - - well, it wasn't a pretty sight.

One of the ending lines to the song is "Lord help the mister who comes between me and my sister."  We loved that bit. Unfortunately, the mister that is interfering now is this dreadful disease that is threatening our mother's life.  I really want us to pull together and be the powerfully wonderful partners that we have been.   But my old childhood struggles have reared their ugly heads and are wreaking havoc with my relationship with my sister.  I am struggling.  I hurt when we talk about what's going on between us.  Pride and envy threaten to overcome me. I have to back away.  Create some space and time to rest my weary soul in hopes that the feeling of nearness and that awesome synergy will return.  

It will happen.  I'm sure it will. We will each learn more about ourselves and the other.  We will forgive each other.  Our flaws may not change much, but our relationship will be strengthened and renewed.  

As with any family at a time like this, all the work that accompanies us in this journey is difficult.  All of our frailties are exposed and sometimes battered.  But at other times, our frailties are propped up by the strengths of others.  Family becomes the source of love and forgiveness so that we may band together to overcome the difficult and rejoice in the victories.

Almighty God, our heavenly Father, who created in families: We pray that you remove every root of bitterness, vainglory, and pride. Fill us with faith, virtue, knowledge, temperance, patience, godliness. Knit us together in constant affection; and so enkindle fervent charity among us all, that we may evermore be kindly affectionate one to another; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.