It's an interesting experience to be full of joy and simultaneously weighed down by deep melancholy. It's both interesting and dreadful. It's the reality of living with a chronic mild depression - diagnosed as Dysthymia - also known as neurosis.
Yesterday while I was at church I was experiencing that beautiful sense of union with God, the Eucharist, and the congregation. I am so grateful to be serving at my church, and I was feeling that gratitude at the deepest level. What a wonderful way to celebrate our Lord's resurrection. Yet, every now and then, for a few seconds each time, I would be pulled down into the mudhole of sorrow and melancholy. Crap! How can I feel both at the same time?
I wonder how many others of us in the family get the same mixture of joy and depression, sometimes - usually - separately, and sometimes simulataneously? Ever since, I really started to understand (and accept) my depression, I started considering the familial nature of this disorder. I often wondered if Dad experienced this. I will never know.
I did hear something heartening about this disorder the other night. Stephen Colbert Interviewed Nassir Ghaemi, an academic psychiatrist specializing in mood illnesses, who wrote "A First Rate Madness" - (http://www.nassirghaemi.com/). He has conducted a study of the relationship between mental illness and great leaders. He specifically mentioned dysthymia. His main point in the interview is that there is a relationship between mood disorders and leadership. "... the very qualities that mark those with mood disorders—realism, empathy, resilience, and creativity—also make for the best leaders in times of crisis." I was so relieved to hear this theory. It was affirming to know that there are these positive qualities of a sometimes distressing disorder and that they help me be successful in my ministry.
Thanks be to God
Auntie Vic
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