Mother died in my arms

     I started this blog to create a forum for me to write and share whatever came to mind. At first, I was focusing on my personal challenges related to depression, theological reflections for sermon writing and whatever else came to mind.  Then my mother was diagnosed with cancer and I started writing about that.  After a few posts, I was discouraged for revealing my thoughts and feelings by some feedback that I received from family members.  They really didn't intend to discourage me, but I was anyway. Now I wish I had not responded to their feedback in that way. I wish I had continued journaling while I was supporting Mother throughout her cancer treatments and then later while serving as her caregiver.

     Mother died 10 days ago. It was sudden. In the moment when her body objected to breathing, I could see that mother was surprised. In those five minutes while I was holding her before the ambulance arrived, I could see that she was struggling. It felt like she was trying to live as I was yelling hysterically at her to breathe. At the same time, I sensed that she just wanted to give in.  There was a moment when she tried valiantly to breathe. But it was too hard. It was time to let go. My sister was crying. We were both yelling at Mother, “BREATHE Mom, BREATHE!” I held her. I shook her. I wanted her to live, yet I knew this was the end. From the moment, she convulsed as her heart gave out, I knew this was the end. It was the end.